over the shoulder

(no subject)

So I got this Spam in my email today. What I don't understand is how people who ostensibly HAVE read y profile and have some understanding of my background and history seem to know exactly as much about me as the 'person' who sent me this.This email says the person has read my profile and that it was interesting. And today I feel like everybody who follows me on Twitter has exactly as much awareness of who Jo is as the "person" who sent me this.

i am blessing 24yrs old young lady i saw your profile page in my search for relaionship.

and it was very interesting to me so i have decided to have contact with you,
How are you doing? i presume your day is going great.
I am so glad to contact you after getting your email.

i which to know more about you as times goes on.pls i will like you to relpy me back at my private email.blessing1smith@gmail.com

Where i will send you my pics when i read from you and I will also tell you more about myself when i read from you again.... but i just want you to know that i am also interested in building up a successful relationship with you after getting to know you better. I have no kids and i have never been married, i hope to meet someone who is ready for a serious relationship in life,that's my intention.
I will be waiting to read from you soon.
Have a nice and lovely day.

yours blessing
over the shoulder

days without

days without tears

can i remember one?

a day I felt pain

and didn't need to cry

a day i felt joy

an didn't need to cry

a day I felt compassion

and didn't need to cry

a day I felt fear

and didn't need to cry

a day I felt empathy

and didn't need to cry

a day I felt hopeless

and didn't need to cry

a day I felt needed

and didn't need to cry

a day I felt abandoned

and didn't need to cry

a day I felt validated

and didn't need to cry

a day I felt loss

and didn't need to cry

a day I felt heartbreak

and didn't need to cry

a day I felt lonely

and didn't need o cry

a day I felt all the love n the world

what would I be

if I didn't need to cry?
over the shoulder

ice & fire

Buy me Ice and Fire, I said

the sound of his guitar

screaming in the echoes

of the screaming in my mind

this pain

and this one

I dance on razor's edge

fire to warm the

icy blade thrust

though my spirit

ice to sooth the flames

that sear my vision

see me clearly

the melting blade

the cooling flame

buy me Fire and Ice
over the shoulder

kissing my career goodbye?

Today a room full of "artists" found out what happens when the group facilitator brings the severely depressed model the music that she loves most in the world. Then they got to see what happens when somebody complains about the music and makes them turn it off. Some people really need to understand that the most important person in the room is the naked person.

I try to be as ego-free as a bowl of fruit when I'm working and Ido everything I can to keep peace in the studio, including bringing my laptop & listening to headphones. Tonight I made a point of calling Verizon & turning on my 3G hotspot. Which didn't work in the studio.And the unsecured" wifi network is password protected. Or I'd have been listening to Moonalice, live.

But really, I try as often as possible not to inflict the Horrible Noisy Grateful Dead on people but ONE NIGHT in 17 YEARS I really NEEDED it, the one night in 17 years someone was thoughtful enough to bring me the music I love more than anything else, on a night I'm technically too depressed to work, and I am suddenly Smiling and Cheerful, that's when the least talented person has to blow it all and make them turn off the music.

I've probably lost that job now. Really, what's $50 a week good for?

You want to go to a life drawing group? remember two things

the NAKED person dictates the ambient temperature of the room

the NAKED person gets to listen to music she likes

Which is why I want to faciiltate my own group. Because in MY group, the MODEL comes First.

And yes, if you hadn't noticed, I am seriously, debilitatingly depressed. Which is as hard for people to accept as autism is. Even harder.
over the shoulder

t00ds, such as they are

I'm grateful for people who answer the phone when I call at the time I said I would

I'm grateful that tentative plans either get kept or I get a call saying otherwise

I'm grateful for people who show up when they say they will

I'm grateful for people who let me know they will be later or can't make it before the last minute

I'm grateful I have some paid work tomorrow evening

I'm grateful for people who can tell when I'm being sarcastic and when I'm not

I'm grateful that I got to really enjoy my first cuppa coffee this morning

I'm grateful for the people who give me the gift of their time

I'm grateful I have no co-workers to alienate

I'm grateful that depression eventually ends
over the shoulder

t00ds 3/28

I'm grateful for a very full weekend

I'm grateful I remembered to check the ferry schedule

I'm grateful for truffles

I'm grateful for solutions

I'm grateful for how it felt the day after I Gave Up

I'm grateful for Bear

I'm grateful for the Pattersons

I'm grateful for Deb & for Dave & for Carl & for Janet & for Annie

I'm grateful for people who make the time for me

I'm grateful for people who call back

I'm grateful You are reading this Right Now
over the shoulder

I Wasn't Invited

I have to say that a lot. "Why didn't i see you at X private event?" I wasn't invited. Yes, I knew it was happening because you all posted that you were attending. A High School reunion. A Deadhead family get together. My Mom's best friends' Memorial. But I Wasn't Invited, so I didn't go.

I wasn't invited to Bear's memorial. And honestly, there is absolutely no reason I should have been. Nobody in the Dead Family ever knew that we knew each other,that he & Sheilah & I shared the same ballet & modern dance classes for several years at College of Marin. When I left the Dead community in the early 90s it was a complete cut-off, I cut my ties with pretty much everything, and everybody involved with the Dead, for my own peace of heart; it is very very difficult to voluntarily give pu the one thing you loved more in life than Anything Else (and still do), but I had to. I was acting like an addict and it had to end.

So why should I have been invited? I was just that girl dancing backstage. And I left for 20 years.

In the past 2 days I mentioned to 2 different Facebook friends that I wish I could have gone to Bear's memorial. Granted these are both people who do not know me IRL, have no History with me and don't have any clue about my issues with the Dead, Deadheads and why I had to leave. But I was absolutely astonished when both of them told me I should have just gone.

Just go find and crash a funeral. Like it was a party. I think not.

There are two reasons I was allowed to do what I did at Dead shows. The first of course is I *am*, in all humility, a hella good dancer and People Who Counted, usually Dennis McNally, would allow me to come backstage and dance where I had Space. Sometimes I even got a backstage pass.

The second is because I Absolutely Respected that Space and that Privilege. "Don't go near the Dressing Rooms", well, that was pretty easy. You can't hear the music in the dressing rooms in the first place, so why do I want to go there? ( once I had to explain , in detail, to Phil's driver why I had no interest in going outside and sitting in the limo.) Don't bother anybody. Well, that's a pretty ambiguous request but it translates to "Don't go begging band members to let you on the stage". Um, right.

In point of fact, every privilege I ever earned at the Dead was probably because I did not approach Important People and ask them for stuff, they approached me and offered. I gotta say it was pretty mind-blowing to have Important people call me up and tell me I had a ticket or a pass at will-call. And they did that because I was respectful enough of them not to get in their faces. And once in a while a Miracle would happen and I even got to put my feet on the stage once because I never tried to get there on my own.

So I was pretty put out that people would suggest that I crash Bear's memorial simply because it was local. And this is one of the big reasons I left the Dead in the first place, this odd sense of Deadhead Entitlement. Because its happening they should let us in because its all about freedom and sharing. Not. I'm not the kind of Deadhead who pitches a tent on somebody's lawn without permission. I'm not the kind of Deadhead who goes to the buffet in Las Vegas and hands plates full of food out to my friends outside the buffet. I'm not the kind of Deadhead who crawls through ventilation ducts into Jerry's dressing room.

I only go where I am invited. And at my Very Last Show, I was invited into a dressing room. And it was an honor when Dennis looked around the room and said, holy shit, every single person in this room is a Writer, and he said that with a capital W, too.

And then I Left.

Who knows how different my life might have been if, on that night in 1978 in Roslyn Longuyland, I had accepted that invitation into Bear's hotel room. But I didn't, and that's why I didn't, and wouldn't, have crashed his wake.

On Sunday I'm going to Ron Patterson's Memorial. I was invited, along with several thousand other close family friends. There will be music and as a member of the Danse Macabre it is my duty and privilege to Dance people into the Heaven of their Choice. I will Danse for Ron. I will Danse for Bear. I will Danse for Liz Taylor. I will Danse for Japan.

And that is Right and Proper.
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t00ds 3/20

I'm grateful to be reminded to do this practice

I'm grateful for the friendship & generosity of Moonalice

I'm grateful my unused ticket became somebody's Miracle

I'm grateful for medicated lollipops

I'm grateful for forgiveness

I'm grateful for a paying gig this week

I'm grateful I only have to drive two miles today

I'm grateful for hugs

I'm grateful for a good night's sleep

I'm grateful for tech that behaves itself

I'm grateful You are reading this Right NOW
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letter from Lake

Lake & I ran into Jerry Garcia one night at a gallery opening in early 1995. She told him how in the early 80s she had come from Japan as a tourist, went to her first Grateful Dead show and never went back. His response to her was "I'm so sorry". This is her letter to her clients about the tragedy. It is eloquent and heartbreaking. I ha to share it.

--- Hello people in art community,

My name is Lake Hanyu. Many of you know me as elsewhere gallery owner. I am writing this to ask your help.

I am from Japan who chose to have US as my home decades ago. I am a black sheep of family so to speak.

I still have family and friend who are dear to me in various part of Japan.

The disaster on 11th is becoming more reality to me. I must say it is like waking up from bad dream to find out it is a waking nightmare. As many of you know, there was an largest earthquake in the history of Japan followed by giant Tsunami accompanied by Nuclear explosion. The danger is no longer local issue where earthquake occurred.

My mother who lives with disabled husband in Tokyo gently said,"Do not worry, we have everything we need". But scare spread beyond. I have connected with friends; however, she reported me different. Stores in Tokyo is running out of supplies. She said elders who has no one pushing walker to get what they can get. Tokyo residences are leaving West to Kyoto, Osaka. Foreign government officials are leaving the country. There is a ration for fuel. Nothing on the supermarket shelves or limited access if any left. Communication compromised.

Now it's snowing on Tsunami victims, freezing the refuge who has no fuel for keep warmth. People who can't get into the shelter, who owned comfortable homes are finding themselves under card boxes.

They are also lacking water, medicine especially for elderly, and baby food.It is hard to believe for the nation which enjoyed economic success be missing of necessity such as these. This reminds me how fragile our lives are.

Distance Tokyo and epicenter is similar to SF and Tahoe. Transportation has begun to be restored from north to Tokyo and beyond just today, many of people who lost everything leaving the home town forever. Many missing their family members, or finding them dead. It is difficult to imagine what it is like to have taken away so quickly. I have heard that "You do not know what nothing is until you have nothing"

Now there were earthquake moving down south along the Ring of Fire. One in Chiba, next Tokyo has just happened. There is active volcano in South....There is Mt Fuji which is "resting" now. Kobe which you may remember is west.

Thank you for reading all this. I am distressed, helpless to help the country of my origin.

Please, if you can make donation to large organization such as Redcross we are grateful. Redcross knows how to deliver.

if you have txt message on cell, you can send "REDCROSS" to 90999 to donate as little as $10.

As a gallery, I am donating all gallery profit from sales to this relief effort. Please let me know if you have any other good idea for help.

I am asking, help please if you could.
over the shoulder

t00ds 3/14

I'm grateful everybody I know in Japan is safe

I'm grateful for my acquaintance with Bear

I'm grateful for accurate reports from my friends

I'm grateful people find things I say worth repeating

I'm grateful I kept in balance all day today

I'm grateful I got to spend time with my BFF Whiskey & my Pack today

I'm grateful I like to eat seaweed

I'm grateful for my monthly reminder call to pay my car insurance

I'm grateful I'm adapted to he time change

I'm grateful I can't keep my eyes open

I'm grateful You are reading this Right Now